this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
