Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
