I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
