Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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