she looked like the bat from fern gully.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize