My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
