I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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