i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
