got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
