No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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