i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
