it hurts more in the daytime
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
