My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
