i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
