I will die if light touches me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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