just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
