Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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