I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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