so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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