Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
