Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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