Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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