I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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