I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Someone came in the potted fern
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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