I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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