You're my little dorito
lets start a swedish sibling band together
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
