You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
