1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize