you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
