a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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