sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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