When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
