When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
