She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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