you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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