Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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