I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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