I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
