What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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