I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
