...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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