I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
