Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
