So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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