tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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