Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
