$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
