I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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