i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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