How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
