just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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