New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
