if i can run in heels then i can drive
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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