Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
