fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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