I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
