I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
